Right now I am very hungry – about a 2 on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being STARVING and 10 being STUFFED.  I had a large glass of carrot juice not long ago but all it seemed to do was make my hunger stronger. 

I worked on my photo project some last night – not with cameras and film and models and lights but doing some research for it.  I spent some time looking up early horror films and was inspired by a lot of shots.  I feel a little better that I did some work towards the project but it still feels daunting and I feel anxious about it since I want it to be successful.  I need to make it big and over-the top but run the risk of being cheesy – I want it to be much more psychological than kitshy.

Gerry and I did the caueway for the first time this summer yesterday.  It kicked my ass – my legs are sore and I felt heavy…but the extra caffine before-hand helped.  Instead of stopping in the middle and turning around which we discussed possibly doing before we began our trek – instead I listened to my body and knew I could push myself further, thinking of the Biggest Loser contestants. 

I want to listen to my body.  I realize lately that I begin to feel anxious at night and that is usually when I do my over eating. 

Oops – gotta go check on the roasting broccolli, carrots and potatoes – they are starting to smell good from 2 rooms away – dont want them to burn!

Broccoli is done (no parmesan cheese, just dressed with zest from 1/2 lemon and 1/2 lemon’s worth of juice, one more quick spray of olive oil).  Pretty good.  Carrots and potatoes need more time.

Anyway.  I feel done with these feelings.  Happy to have some down time while Gis at Barnes and Nobles w/A taking an ebay lesson.  Going to go eat my brocolli and try to enjoy and not judge myself so much.

I weighed my self this morning….283.5.  What the fuck?  I am gaining here?  For the past few days I have really watched my calories…I am lifting weights, walking the causeway…what the f?  I am gainging weight and working hard.

Jen and I talked about the fat burning zone versus anaerobic zone as far as heart rate goes.   That caused me to look up some more info about heart rates which reminded me that I was going to do some interval training this summer.  Reminder to self – do interval training on the causeway – so I can mix the fat-burning zone with some anaerobic training (which will keep my metabolism up after working out). 

I reached out to M last night and left a voicemail message and then an e-mail.  I feel a lot better about that and may not have been as proactive if it weren’t for these morning pages.

I still have to do the postcard portfolios as well as call N in NYC but I am getting closer because I want to relax next week and doing these things will help with that. 

Okay- gotta run!  Ciao!

Things that are running around in my head.  I wish Jen could have come down this week and I worry about what is going on with her.  Hopefully she can come down later in the summer. 

Planning for my photography show at the International Center of Photography is stressing me out – but right now, I don’t think I have too much to do….that could be wrong, but we’ll see.  It’s such an awesome opportunity.  I am glad that Chuck advocated for it and we will have this incredible opportunity. 

I am wondering what to do next in the house.  There is a list of things that we need to do right away:

• install lights above the ikea shelves
• figure out how to deal with that horrible surface in the kitchen that we found under the wall paper
• paint the computer room and kitchen
• figure out how to make the door to my darkroom a better fit (it’s nearly impossible to deal with now)
• This is a big one – get someone to move our washer and dryer hookup into the garage.

Other things that we want to do but are lower priority are:

• take care of the disgusting ceiling in the computer room
• tackle the back bedroom – take down the ceiling – reinsullate it….reinstall a ceiling, etc.

I would love to hire the plumber, Ron but before I can do that I have to send off the postcards from our class.  This is in my unfinished business and nagging me pile.  This is the list in my head of things that I am avoiding for some reason but have to do.  I also have lots of guilt associated with this list. 

This list is: 

• Photograph my photo
• design a postcard
• print it at kinkos
• mail out the packets of postcard portfolio

Also I really need to do these things:

• CALL MAYA
• CALL NAIMAH!

Aghh!  Why am I avoiding these things? 

I think that writing my morning pages yesterday helped me not avoid new calls.  I called back Lindsey about her job situation and I reached out to Jen on Facebook…and it felt good!  I could be done with this very nagging list – but why do I avoid it?  Hmmmm.  I should JUST DO IT!

Oh – had another good weight training workout last night – my shoulders/chest/back are tight but in a good way.

I went to bed and checked my phone – I missed calls from Naimah and Jen yesterday.  Today I woke up to a call from Maya.

Why don’t I want to call anyone back?  I hate talking on my phone, but why do I prefer to isolate myself?  Is it because Gerry takes so much of my attention?  I mean, the few times I get down time or alone time – I really don’t want to spend it talking to more people.  

But that’s terrible.  I mean, I really do care about my friends.  Why have I been shirking this?  I mean…I have also been shirking the BCC postcard project too – why? 

I feel so badly about this.  I mean – I feel like I did in middle school – when I never did my homework, my belly would feel with dread and all class period I would be wondering when I was going to get called on it….and feel even worse about myself. 

So – I woke up with guilt about not calling these people back.  Guilt about not walking the causeway this morning even though Gerry tried really hard to get me up.  What is going on with me?!?  It’s like I don’t want to do anything! 

Am I depressed?  No – I have just been lazy and now it’s catching up with me.  What can I do to fix it?

1.  photograph my photos and make my postcard at kinkos

2.  Burn the CD’s that I am going to include in the postcard packets

3.  Mail out the postcard packets

4.  Call Naimah

5.  Call Jen

6.  Call Maya

7.  Call Cherise

Tonight when G goes to men’s night, I will not just watch mindless television ignoring these things I need to do and want to do so that I don’t feel so bad.  I can’t get all of them done tonight but I can do some of them. 

I will feel so much freer and I deserve that.

Can Morning Pages be typed or are they dependent on the hand moving accross the page?

Anger.  Anger that it is difficult to find enough quiet to read a book.  Mom bothing me – interupting my reading to tell me mundane, pointless things….wastes of her breath and my attention.  They make me so angry because she doesnt care who she disrupts and distracts for her self indulgent monologues. 

I got my act together and went into the bedroom and gerry followed me in and wouldn’t shut the fuck up.  I am sure I hurt his feelings and he got the brunt of my anger at my mother.

Poor him. 

Can’t wait to be back in the house.  Tropical Storm Fay sucked but not as much as being displaced from our home and having our contractor leave without the job being finished. Ugh! 

I am relieved that jen isn’t coming to visit this week afterall.  I hope she is okay and that her marriage survives whatever they are going through right now.  I love her and miss her.

I need to call Naimah today.  It’s been so long since I have called her – I have been a terrible friend.  I love her so much but my actions to show that.  What is my block?  Is it because I miss her so much?  Yes.  She doesn’t allow me to isolate myself because she reads my soul and that can make me uncomfortable sometimes. 

Battery on laptop dying.  This felt good and gave me clarity about how I treated Gerry. 

I also feel guilty about not getting up early enough to walk before it got too hot and now I am lounging lazily.